Kathi Lipp (00:09) 

Hey friends, welcome to clutter free Academy where our goal is to help you take small doable steps every day to live with less clutter and more life and we are back here for our three part series of sentimental items because Tonya Tonya Tenneil and I have all talked about this recently where when Tonya you were doing the clutter free Bible study and you said that people were really struggling with their sentimental items. Is that correct? 

  

Tonya Kubo (00:36) 

Yeah, that is 100 

  

% correct. 

  

Kathi Lipp (00:40) 

Was it more their own stuff, their kid’s stuff, or stuff that has maybe been passed down from people that they love? All the above. Okay, we’re not doing any special treatment for anybody. It’s just all the things. Yeah, you know, all three of us have had to go through this at one point or another. I’ve lost my dad. Tonya, you’ve lost your mom. And, Tenille, you lost a sibling recently. And so… 

  

Tonya Kubo (00:48) 

All of the above. Yeah. 

  

Kathi Lipp (01:09) 

? We are all coming to this with some practical Application and you know, Tonya, I’ve never really thought about this before But I’m just gonna get and this wasn’t something I prepped for the show But you know, I don’t think you care. You’ll let me come at you. Is it different? I wonder because you and I have both lost a hoarder as I just wonder 

  

Tonya Kubo (01:34) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (01:38) 

I have not personally, like, but you know, my mom’s not a hoarder, my dad was. I haven’t been able to compare and contrast that. That is not your situation either. Do you think that there’s a different level of guilt or do you think there’s a different level? I don’t know. I’m just, I’m, you can tell I’m exploring this in my brain in real life time, but I always know you have such good wisdom. What’s your immediate thought to this? 

  

Tonya Kubo (02:01) 

Yeah. 

  

It is a different type of hard and let me I’ll give you the sort of what I have come to because you’re right I don’t have the personal experience of Having to clean up after one relative who was a hoarder and one who wasn’t but you know Brian lost his dad before we met and ? Because I am so closely connected to our Clutter Free community, right? I talked to them a lot about what they’re dealing with and so the difference is 

  

Kathi Lipp (02:10) 

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (02:35) 

is the first difference that’s a big one for those of us with a hoarding background is the volume we have to manage when our loved one dies. There’s a volume that nobody else can ever understand that we go through. So there’s that piece that makes it different. But in terms of the sentimental items, those of us, depending on where our loved one was on the hoarding spectrum, 

  

Kathi Lipp (02:44) 

Yeah. ? amen. Yeah. Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (03:04) 

In some cases, is actually there is a large volume of stuff that is usable, good condition, yada, yada, yada. And then on, you in my mother’s case, there was actually very, very little that was usable. I mean, so much had just been destroyed and eaten away and rotted. So that’s different. So there’s that piece. 

  

Kathi Lipp (03:27) 

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (03:30) 

that makes it different. And then the other that I would say is our folks who don’t come from a hoarding background, a lot of times part of why the sentimental items are such a struggle is because they have these very acute memories of the sacrifice that their parent or their sibling went through to keep this stuff over the years. And they feel like they are a bad daughter, bad son, bad sister, bad whatever to not 

  

Kathi Lipp (03:50) 

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (03:59) 

have the energy, the time, or even the desire to go through that same level of sacrifice. 

  

Kathi Lipp (04:04) 

Yeah, you know, it’s very interesting. I think ? not always, but many times this does fall to the oldest daughter. And I’m an oldest daughter. Tonya, you’re an old you’re you’re only child. So oldest, you’re all the thing. You’re you’re the middle of the youngest. Tenneil I don’t know. I know you have a sister. Where do you fall? 

  

Tonya Kubo (04:20) 

I’m all the things, all the things over here. 

  

Tenneil (04:28) 

Yeah, so I’m the second in my overall family, but I am also the oldest in some ways. 

  

Tonya Kubo (04:35) 

Well, and I would say it’s being the oldest daughter and it also tends to fall to the daughter who lives the closest. 

  

Kathi Lipp (04:44) 

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (04:44) 

That’s where I have 

  

been a lot of times. Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (04:49) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (04:50) 

Yeah, the one who’s closest. Well, this is part of the reason that we have ? our clutter-free creative counselor, Tenille Register here, who has walked this road, but also has great ideas for us to honor the loved ones with meaning and intention. And you’ve done some really beautiful things in your own life. So ? we’re very grateful you’re here, Tenille. 

  

Tonya Kubo (04:53) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Tenneil (05:15) 

I’m glad to be here. 

  

Kathi Lipp (05:18) 

Yeah, okay. So 

  

here’s the first thing I want to talk about is the emotional weight of inherited items. ? Because they do have a weight to them, right? We get things, whether sometimes they are passed down, sometimes they are left behind. ? Tonya, I have to imagine that a lot of your stuff as with my stuff, it wasn’t so much passed down to me. There wasn’t intention with it being passed down. 

  

Tonya Kubo (05:46) 

Mm-mm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (05:47) 

It was more of like, well, there’s their stuff. Same for you. Yeah. OK. Yeah. And so ? I think there was a real issue for me not knowing what my dad wanted done with some of these things and, you know, not thinking to ask those questions until he really couldn’t answer it. ? You know what? Where does that guilt come from, Tonya? When 

  

Tonya Kubo (05:51) 

Yep, exactly. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (06:14) 

where things that haven’t been specifically passed down to us and we’re trying to sort through all this stuff. What do you think is running through people’s heads with that guilt? 

  

Tonya Kubo (06:23) 

Well, I think if it hasn’t been intentionally passed down, right? I mean, first of all, there’s this belief that there must have been a reason for them keeping it. And because I don’t know the reason, I can’t make the right decision on what to do with it. That’s a big one. Another piece of guilt is, you know, my, like what I’ve heard a lot in our group is my parents had such meager circumstances. 

  

Kathi Lipp (06:33) 

Mmm. 

  

Tonya Kubo (06:50) 

but they made a point to move this through three different houses. So who am I to get rid of it? And so there’s that, that’s a heavy weight, right? Because what you’re really doing is you’re carrying the burden of your parents decision-making there. And like though you can make a different decision, some people don’t feel free to make the different decision. And then the other piece, and I go back to this, nobody has said this in the group recently, but it… 

  

Kathi Lipp (06:50) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (07:19) 

was it came from a deep place of pain. And I think that just because people haven’t said it out loud doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. They actually believe what they do with the item is akin to what they do to the person. And so I have heard things like to get rid of my brother’s sweaters would be to kill him all over again. 

  

Kathi Lipp (07:34) 

Yeah. 

  

my gosh, okay, that’s deep. Yeah. Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (07:42) 

Like, but that is the depth of the feeling. And I’ve heard that several times. 

  

Like when I was doing my free sale and I was getting rid of this angel collection I had, I’ve talked about the angel collection for years, people were like, that is like you are destroying the generosity of every person who gave that, gave one of those angels to you. 

  

Kathi Lipp (07:54) 

Yeah. 

  

? 

  

Tonya Kubo (08:06) 

And but the thing is, is I don’t get offended, right? Because I know the pain that that is coming from. They’re not they’re projecting their own hurt, their own tenderness onto me. And I don’t have to accept that. But I mean, this is this is how cluttery people feel many times that keeps them holding on to things that they don’t even really. 

  

Kathi Lipp (08:15) 

Yes. 

  

Yes. 

  

Right, absolutely. You know, it’s so interesting. Am I erasing that person if I get rid of this item? And you know, it’s very interesting to me because my kids only know my grandparents through items. You know, I think, you know, my youngest grandparent died when my son was, you know, probably five and didn’t live anywhere near us. And so, you know, but we have to 

  

Tonya Kubo (08:49) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (09:02) 

Curate that because as much as we don’t want clutter our kids Do not want clutter all my kids in their 30s like now I will say that my girls have wanted some very specific things like one of my girls like If you ever get rid of that purple chair, I’ll take that purple chair and she said that to me like eight times I’m like, know what? I think you’re gonna enjoy this purple chair more than I will and like, you know some things that were super practical but 

  

Tonya Kubo (09:09) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Kathi Lipp (09:31) 

They don’t want stuff from their great grandparents that they’ve never met. That’s not how they are living. I’m holding onto a couple of things from my grandfather to my son, but they’re small. There’s like a football ring and things like that. ? yeah, Tonya, go ahead. 

  

Tonya Kubo (09:34) 

Mm-mm. Right. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

There’s just one more aspect that I, because I think Tenille’s gonna have a really good insight on this, so I wanna bring it up. So this came up recently in the Bible study, which is, because to your point about as much as we don’t want the clutter our kids don’t, is trying to work, we’ve got several members who walk this walk. They try to get their parents to declutter and downsize while their parents were alive. And their parents very, 

  

Kathi Lipp (09:56) 

Yeah, yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (10:16) 

freely and unapologetically said, why would I do that? That’s your problem when I’m gone. And now they’re in a place where the parent is gone. They have to clear through it all and they are angry. And what they’re realizing is whereas one person might say, well, I’m so angry. I’m backing up a dumpster and it’s just all gonna go. They’re so angry that they don’t feel like they can. 

  

Kathi Lipp (10:22) 

Cool. 

  

yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (10:41) 

objectively process through the clutter and so it’s taking them even longer and then that just makes them angry. 

  

Kathi Lipp (10:43) 

Hmm. 

  

Yeah, when we have people come into the clutter free for life group, our paid group, I would say at least a third of them are saying they don’t want to leave this mess behind for their kids. And so that’s what I love. Okay, Tenneil, we’re going to get you back in here. let me ask one of the things that I have realized through, you know, looking at my grandparents stuff, we’ve lost ? all four of Roger’s parents because we had, you know, steps and things like that. 

  

Tonya Kubo (10:53) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

  

Kathi Lipp (11:17) 

is that it’s not the stuff, it’s the story. Like what’s the story that I want my kids or Roger’s kids to know about these people who have passed on? So how do we tell that story? Because we can’t sum up a whole life, but we can leave our kids with a narrative of these people that they come from. 

  

Tenneil (11:42) 

And listening to Tonya talk about the reasons that people struggle with this stuff, it is even more important that we figure out how to take what I heard over and over, Tonya, is a thread of guilt and turn it into a story, right, of joy and remembering and even that grief story. So I think there’s something to be said for physically, tangibly. 

  

Kathi Lipp (11:45) 

. 

  

Tenneil (12:10) 

not just having the object, but doing something with the object that says, I’ve moved through the guilt, I’ve moved through the pain, and this is what I’m taking from this person’s life. And not just what the story of their life was, but how it intersects with ours. And so I think there’s a lot of hands on ways we can do that because we don’t want them to be just a memory, right? 

  

Kathi Lipp (12:25) 

Yes, yes, absolutely. 

  

Tenneil (12:33) 

We want their story to have its shape in our life, whether our memories of them are positive or not. They still have helped shape who we are. So how do we take some tangible objects and reflect that shaping? 

  

Kathi Lipp (12:46) 

Okay, I want to know how you’re doing this, Tenille. And I think one thing, Tonya and I got some feedback the other day from one of our previous episodes, we were talking about memories and how I kept a footprint of one of my chickens in my underwear drawer. I think, and Tonya, what was it that you kept in your drawer? I’m trying to remember. Baby teeth, that’s right. We talked about that last time. 

  

Tonya Kubo (13:11) 

? baby teeth. 

  

Kathi Lipp (13:15) 

The baby teeth are a recurring theme here. But here’s what I’m wondering. Do cluttery people not feel that their memories are worth having a space to keep them? Why am I keeping these next to my underwear? That’s my big question. Like I’ve never had like 

  

Tonya Kubo (13:17) 

It’s always the baby teeth. 

  

Kathi Lipp (13:38) 

like a chest, a memory chest or anything like that. A hope chest, that’s what I was trying to say. I’ve never had a box where I keep all my, like, why do I think that my memories are not important enough to preserve in a special way? I don’t know, I’m getting very deep in this episode. I don’t know. Yeah, Tenille, please address this, come on, help me. 

  

Tenneil (13:41) 

Yes. 

  

Tonya Kubo (13:42) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Tenneil (14:02) 

some of it is decision paralysis, right, which is what really affects us about clutter, right, is this weight of the decision, right, where am I going to keep these things? And so I think when we can put these things in a visible place, in a practical way that influences our life, then we kind of take some of that decision out about where to store it or where to keep it. 

  

Kathi Lipp (14:06) 

Mmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (14:29) 

even honestly if we get too caught up in where to hang it, right? Or how to frame it. We’re going to get stuck in any of those places. And so I like to really keep it tangible and simple and also changeable, right? We’re not making a monument here. If we hang it on the wall in the kitchen and it works until we redecorate the kitchen, that’s okay. We are not making monuments here. We are just learning to live with the pieces 

  

Kathi Lipp (14:29) 

Hmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Right. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (14:58) 

of someone else’s story that have crossed our path. So this can look like a seasonal decor item and just really getting creative. Like when do I think about this person? If it’s grandma and you think about her in the kitchen or, you know, like I have a memory with my sibling ? who was not ? like mechanical or carpentry. 

  

Kathi Lipp (15:02) 

Thank you. 

  

Hmm. 

  

Tenneil (15:24) 

but he was available and so he helped me repair my falling down flower bed, right? And so it’s not like gardening that connects them to me, but this like section of the garden I actually hate, his willingness to stick it out in the heat and figure it out with me are there, right? And so this year I’m gonna plant something purple, his favorite color, near that section of the flower bed. If my flowers die, it’s okay. That’s not my brother. 

  

Kathi Lipp (15:51) 

Mm-hmm. Right, 

  

right. 

  

Tenneil (15:54) 

That’s 

  

my memory of him being there for me, right? And so those are some examples of simple ways, like where am I when I think of this person? What are the connections I feel? 

  

Kathi Lipp (16:06) 

And I think the other question there is where am I most likely to tell their story? So like to tell the story to your kids, you know, when he was helping me with this garden, I knew that was love because he didn’t like to do stuff like that, but he just wanted to be near me. I think those are some great criteria for that. ? And I’ve talked about this in other places. Like I have something of my dad’s that is connected to both of us. 

  

It’s his first paycheck when he worked at the library for 40 cents an hour, you know, his first paycheck was like 720, $7.20. But you know, because 

   

having something that is I love what you said. It’s not just about the person. It’s about your connection to the person. I love that. Okay. So it’s what you’re seeing is make that memory active. Like put it into place. Yes. 

  

Tenneil (17:02) 

Yes, and 

  

use the things. Like sometimes we’re so scared if all we have left is grandma’s dishes, we don’t want to break them, right? So we don’t use them. Grandma doesn’t want you to live like that, right? And so use those dishes at your gathering. If there’s a tool that you kept of your dads or your grandpas, use it every now and then. Like I just really think that it’s important that it becomes a real and 

  

Kathi Lipp (17:16) 

Yeah, right. 

  

Tenneil (17:31) 

part of your life in any way that it can. 

  

Kathi Lipp (17:35) 

Love it, love it. I love the idea of honoring someone by living with the items. Okay, when we come back, I want to talk about some memorial projects because I think this is what people think of mostly when it comes to what do I do with their things? And so I know that you’ll have some great ideas about that. You’re gonna help me and Tonya out here a bunch. So we’re gonna take a commercial break and then come right back. 

  

Tonya Kubo (17:52) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (18:05) 

Okay, we are back and Tenneil is going to solve all of our problems about what to do with those keepsakes. Tonya, did you have anything from your mom that you were able to use to memorialize her? Was there anything that you were able to keep as a keepsake or was that just not something you were able to do? 

  

Tonya Kubo (18:27) 

Yeah, that’s an interesting question. So the things that I kept that I was able to keep. So she still had my grandfather’s wallet from when he died at the hospital. She still had the bag of stuff, of his stuff, but the wallet was still in good condition. Everything else wasn’t. So I have that. I have my grandfather’s old milking stool from the 1930s. 

  

Kathi Lipp (18:37) 

? cool. 

  

Mm, okay. 

  

? 

  

how cool. 

  

Tonya Kubo (18:56) 

It’s absolutely not usable, right? ? But I still have it because it’s cool. ? And then ? there was a small container of ceramics that I had done when I was in like the second grade. So those are really like all that was usable because my mom, because of how advanced her hoarding was, there were no keepsakes. There was no jewelry. You my mom never married, so there wasn’t a wedding set. There wasn’t a locket. 

  

Kathi Lipp (19:00) 

Yeah. Yeah. 

  

No. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (19:25) 

Nothing 

  

like that. She had some of her writings, but even her recipe box, which I loved when I was little, it was completely, all the recipes were mildewed and the paper had disintegrated. So that would have been something I would have loved to have kept. That probably would have been my absolute favorite thing to have kept. It just wasn’t in a condition where I could. 

  

Kathi Lipp (19:31) 

? 

  

Yeah, but you’ve got the memory, so that’s good. I love that you have the memory. Okay, Tenille, we need some ideas. We cluttery people are very good with a project when it’s low hanging fruit. It can’t be too complicated, it can’t be too crazy. So give us some ideas, all right? 

  

Tonya Kubo (19:51) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Tenneil (20:09) 

Okay, so one trend that I love when it comes to fabric is we’re starting to see taking just a little piece of it. So like we’ve got grandma’s wedding dress or a baptism gown or these things. I grew up in a home where these things hung in the closet turning yellow and you were the evil one if you decided to throw these things away, right? So we’re starting to see where they’re cutting out just a bit of lace from it. 

  

Tonya Kubo (20:23) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (20:27) 

Right. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (20:35) 

And they’re having that piece of lace sewn into their dress or onto their veil or things like that. So I think that’s a huge shift is that we don’t have to take the whole object. It can be just a piece of the object. So I think that is really important. And then looking, I mean, the most common is when you can plant something in it, right? So we’re talking teacups, ladles, even like, 

  

an old can from the garage, right? Lots of grandpas kept every can under the sun, full of all the different nails and the objects and stuff. And if your conversations with grandpa happened in that workshop, right? It’s okay to get rid of all of his stuff and then hold on to one of those rusty cans, right? And plant a little something in it or use it to hold your pens and pencils on your desk. Like let their real memory stand out. It doesn’t have to be of 

  

Kathi Lipp (21:08) 

Hmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (21:23) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (21:23) 

Right? 

  

Tenneil (21:34) 

? like monetary value. If it makes sense to you, then it makes sense. 

  

Kathi Lipp (21:38) 

Right. Right. 

  

I’ve got to dig out that Hillsbrothers coffee can, you know, ? because we have a couple of those and I’ve always kept them outside and they would look so cool inside. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think that that’s really, really key is it doesn’t have to be of great monetary value. We have something that I just have to tell you about it. It’s so cool. And I’m sure both of you have seen it in our house, but you may not have known what it was. 

  

My grandmother loved popcorn, loved popcorn. And she has a popcorn popper. It’s this long metal kind of, don’t know. It looks like, I don’t even know what it looks like, but it’s an old fashioned popcorn popper that we have. 

  

I love it so much because we could use it to pop popcorn and we will someday. We haven’t done it yet, but we will someday. And it makes me so happy to think about my grandmother, even though I never popped popcorn with her, the joy is there. And by the way, Roger loves popcorn. Like that’s his favorite thing in the world. So it intersects, even though she never got to meet him, she would have loved him. Yeah, so that’s what it brings up for me. So I love that. 

  

when you’re saying it doesn’t have to be a value, but it’s a value to you because of the memory. 

  

Tenneil (23:04) 

Yeah, and like taking that coffee can one step further, if it has a lid that’s open and closed, then if you have like little sugar or creamer packets that you only get out every once in a while, storing those in there so it also like is super functional rather than just decorative can be a really big one. Another great one is to take like a wood planer tool. So it’s like a chunk of wood, you know. 

  

Kathi Lipp (23:13) 

you 

  

Yeah? 

  

Tenneil (23:31) 

And you can turn that into a bookend or there’s like a little hole on the top of those that’s perfect for a test tube. And then you can use it for like starting plants, right? Now you have a piece of art and this like talking piece all from this thing. And also I think a really big one is think outside the box. We tend to think like, where can I put this in my living room? I feel like that’s just what we go to for memory things. 

  

Kathi Lipp (23:42) 

Yes! 

  

Tenneil (23:57) 

but it doesn’t have to be limited to that. It can be as simple as keeping the clothes pins and using those clothes pins to hang a few things on the wall in the laundry room. Right? Like you just can be so simple in how we do these things. 

  

Kathi Lipp (24:08) 

Wow, I love that. 

  

Here’s what I love that so many of the things that you’re speaking of ? are for men. Because I think it’s easier for us to figure out what we’re going to do with grandma’s apron. But dads, dads can be hard. Grandpas can be hard. 

  

Tonya Kubo (24:14) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Tenneil (24:28) 

I didn’t, when you were talking about cleaning out your loved ones things, I have this unique experience where I had to clean out all of my dad’s belongings and I would say he was borderline hoarder and while he was still living, but without his say in it. And so I’m gonna go through that whole process of wondering whether I was doing the right things for them. Now I’m 20 years down the road and he’s starting to accumulate things again. 

  

Kathi Lipp (24:44) 

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. 

  

Tenneil (24:55) 

But I have very firmly given him like square footage boundaries. He can only feel that space because I don’t want to go through that whole process more than once. 

  

Kathi Lipp (24:59) 

Yeah 

  

And it 

  

is a process. And I can’t even imagine with the person still being alive and going through that process and them coming back to say, wait, you got rid of blank? my goodness. And it’s like, ? yeah. Okay, so I know that we’ve all seen some of the things ? online where ? you make it into a teddy bear, you make it into a t-shirt quilt. 

  

I will tell you one of the things that I saw recently that I loved. ? One of my friends, her father passed away and he always wore flannel shirts. She took a heart out of his flannel shirt and sewed it to the inside of her jacket. And I just thought, what a clever way of keeping him close to you without having to keep hundreds of shirts. 

  

Tonya Kubo (25:56) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (26:01) 

because I think there were dozens of shirts. Let me not exaggerate. There were dozens of shirts, but if there were 200, I wouldn’t be surprised. But to take a couple of those things, a couple of those shirts and cut out the hearts and put those in places where you’re gonna see it over and over again. And one of things I thought about and she is gonna do now, which I think is really cool, is she is sewing one of those hearts onto the front of a pillow. 

  

that she can keep in her, I think it’s her living room or maybe it’s her study. But I just think what a simple way, you don’t have to keep the whole shirt. You can use that as the basis of something. What about donations? ? Now, Tonya, I know you didn’t have a lot to donate. Like we went through a lot with my dad because my dad had a lot of collections. So, and of course, you my mom, you know, here we are 10 years out. 

  

Tonya Kubo (26:51) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (26:57) 

It’s so weird why I remember the year he died. It’s the same year that the clutter free came out. And for some reason, I have to put those two things together to be able to remember it. But it’s been 10 years out and my mom just gave away his stamp collection because that was 50 years of them being together. Let’s not always say agreeing on the stamps because when I say a stamp collection, we’re talking 

  

Tonya Kubo (27:22) 

Yeah. 

  

Kathi Lipp (27:26) 

crates and crates and crates of stamps. But it was such an intricate part of who he was. And so ? we did some donations there. We did some tool donations. did a, ? we did put some ads, some places about people could pick things up if they were interested in them. But he had very specific things, not of a great deal of value. Like if you saw them guys, you would be like, ? maybe not. 

  

But I know Tenneil would be able to come up with things to decorate with. But not high value, but for some people, they might have been high value ? because they are very interested in that niche. And so I think about those kind of donations things, but I also think about in Tonya’s case where there wasn’t a lot left to 

  

to remember them by, know, is there, what are things that we can do? I love your idea, Tenille, of planting something, because if Tonya’s mom had a favorite flower or a favorite color, you can find that somehow. Are there any other things that you can think of to memorial? Or maybe you don’t live close to that person. Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (28:45) 

Right. So I 

  

was thinking that earlier, like ? when I sell vintage things, ? one of the things that I sell is like thermos, old vintage thermos. And I’ve had several people buy those because it looked like the one that their dad had. And then they incorporate that into the decor. And so because our connection is to the memory and honoring that person’s legacy, it doesn’t have to be their exact object. 

  

Kathi Lipp (29:00) 

? yeah. 

  

Tenneil (29:13) 

Also thinking outside the box. So when I lost my sibling, we have his childhood items, but we, he did not own any possessions of his own when he passed, he was living homeless. trying to figure out how to process that, right? In the place where we did us a memorial where he was found, there was like a dried Spanish moss hanging off of the tree growing on the fence and scattered. 

  

Kathi Lipp (29:24) 

Hmm. Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (29:43) 

on the ground there. And so I took some of that Spanish moss that I could bring home and just put in a little bowl, right, as a little bit of a memory. And so thinking outside of the box, or if the person loved to go hiking, come up with, you know, a little bowl of pine cones or something like that. So we can kind of recreate if we’re in a situation, let’s face it, families can get really ugly in the process of dividing up things. 

  

Kathi Lipp (30:10) 

Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (30:13) 

And so if you didn’t end up with grandma’s recipe box and that broke your heart, look around, make vintage shopping and adventure and find one that’s maybe similar or represents the same thing. And the other value that that has is if you do have these odd objects that you’re like holding onto because I want to use it, but I’m not sure what to do with it. I say, find your local vintage shops that are especially decorative. 

  

Kathi Lipp (30:13) 

Yeah. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tenneil (30:41) 

because a lot of times you’ll go in and you’ll see an idea. Countless times ? do I hear people say, ? my goodness, I have one of those in the garage from my grandma or grandpa and I never knew what to do with it and now I’m gonna bring toolbox in and put my grandkids colored pencils in it and they’re coloring the toolbox at the ready, right? So those are the things. 

  

Kathi Lipp (30:41) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Bye. 

  

Yes. 

  

? you just sparked something 

  

for Tonya. You just sparks. Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (31:08) 

love that idea! That’s such 

  

a great idea! 

  

Kathi Lipp (31:12) 

I love that so much. Tonya, I want to come back to you because I feel like many of us who are cluttery, we struggle with the conversations around items. Where do you think that that stress mostly comes from for our people? 

  

Tonya Kubo (31:29) 

Well, what do mean by the conversations around the items? 

  

Kathi Lipp (31:31) 

Like, 

  

what do, when you pass, what do want me to do with this? When I pass, do you want to have this? I guess if the, I guess my question is, is there an easier way to get into those conversations that you have heard from our group? I know my mom was very bold and said, I’m putting Post-it notes under everything I want you to make sure you don’t sell. 

  

Tonya Kubo (31:36) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (31:57) 

So like, 

  

I love that she brought it up because it’s very awkward for me to bring up. Let’s be clear. 

  

Tonya Kubo (32:02) 

Yeah, I would agree. It’s always easier if the parent brings it up to the kids or like, it’s much easier for you to bring up what you want them to do after you’re gone than it is for them to bring up what you want me to do with this after you’re gone. But I would also say that there are some kids that really struggle with their parents’ mortality. And so you kind of have to like weigh the pros and cons. Like, not… 

  

Kathi Lipp (32:13) 

Yeah. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Mmm. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (32:30) 

all kids want to have the conversation with you. But what you can do, so let’s just say that you can’t have the conversation. Well, you can do what your mom did, right? And do post-it notes or even, ? I knew somebody who did a label maker, right? And just did labels underneath and they just, they put the name of the person they wanted it to go to. And then they had a journal that, and it was in an envelope that was like open when I die sort of thing. 

  

Kathi Lipp (32:33) 

Yeah. 

  

Yeah. Okay. 

  

I love that. 

  

Tonya Kubo (32:57) 

But in that journal was like, the things that I haven’t specifically designated, here’s what I think you should do with it. And here are the things that if you think I care about these things, I just need you to know you’re wrong. Like I don’t care what you do with this. 

  

Kathi Lipp (32:57) 

Yes. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Yeah, okay. 

  

Okay, 

  

that’s such a great statement. If you think I care about this, you’re wrong. I love that. Yes. 

  

Tonya Kubo (33:15) 

Right? 

  

Yeah, there 

  

was like one item that it was a military family and so they had moved it from places and the person was just like, look, I’m sure you think because we moved it to so many places, it was really, really special. It was really, really special to me, but I don’t see this being of any use to either of you kids. Now, if I’m wrong, fine. 

  

Kathi Lipp (33:32) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Yes. ? 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (33:44) 

But just so you know, there’s like something, if you’re like, don’t know what to do with this, don’t feel like you have to like run a storage unit for it. We’re good. 

  

Kathi Lipp (33:50) 

I 

  

love that. Yes, there is nothing that I own that my kids should be paying rent on. I love that. Yeah. And you know, we had a terrible thing happen in our family when my husband’s stepfather, so my stepfather-in-law, I don’t know, ? you know, he graduated from Princeton. He was a doctor of philosophy. ? He had a chair from Princeton. 

  

Tonya Kubo (33:57) 

Right. 

  

Kathi Lipp (34:19) 

And the people who were closest proximity wise was my brother-in-law. And so he contacted everybody in the family and said, who would like this chair from Princeton? And everybody said no. So he donated it. And then like four months later, somebody said, you know what? I’ve changed my mind. I want that chair. And he’s, I didn’t keep it. And like, I don’t blame my brother-in-law for getting rid of it. 

  

Tonya Kubo (34:24) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Right. Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (34:45) 

You said you didn’t want it and 

  

people are going to be listening to this and saying Kathi Why didn’t you bring it home? It would have had to have been shipped like it was a whole thing. So there was ? Yes, we can’t keep everything forever 

  

Tonya Kubo (34:58) 

No, and I just want to offer you a flip side to that story because similar was Brian’s dad’s truck, which they kept for a while because it’s like all of them agreed. Brian’s mom, sister and him agreed. It’s nice to have a truck, right? Like in the family. And if it doesn’t belong to any one of us and we all share it, this is kind of like nice to keep around. It makes sense to renew the registration. And everybody agreed it would live. It lived at his sister’s house for a long time. Then it lived at his mom’s house. Well, his mom 

  

Kathi Lipp (35:05) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Yeah, right. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Tonya Kubo (35:27) 

was not appreciating it living in her house. Quiet like his sister enjoyed it living in her house. And so his mom put out the call, know, like asked us if we wanted to keep it, because if we wanted to keep it, she was fine with it. She’d pay the registration. It was this whole thing. And Brian’s sister was like different phase of life now, like, no, like I can’t store it, can’t do this. We were like, yeah, we just don’t see that that makes sense for us. So his mom said, okay, well, I’m selling it. Kathi, there must have been. 

  

Kathi Lipp (35:29) 

Okay. 

  

Yeah. 

  

Tonya Kubo (35:57) 

a dozen times in the following five years where somebody in the family would be like, dad’s truck would really come in handy right now. But here’s the thing, it was as so funny as they would say, ? dad’s truck would have come in really handy right now. And then they were like, but the idea of storing it to get to right now, right? But they would laugh because everybody acknowledged we had the chance, we were given the choice, didn’t make sense. 

  

Kathi Lipp (36:04) 

Ha 

  

Right? Yeah, exactly. 

  

Yep. 

  

Tonya Kubo (36:23) 

I of regret it right now, but don’t regret it enough to wish we’d had it for the last so many years. 

  

Kathi Lipp (36:27) 

Exactly. And you know what? Dad’s truck served when it needed to serve and then you could figure out other things. Guys, I just want to wrap us up by saying this, that if there is no other circumstance where quantity is lesser than quality, it’s in the memories of our people. And, you know, I also want you to know when that person has passed, 

  

Tonya Kubo (36:31) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (36:55) 

They don’t know what you’ve done with their stuff. And they didn’t always have an accurate perception of what was important to you. I think it’s really interesting when my kids bring up childhood memories and I’m like, going to the train station is your favorite memory. What about Disneyland that we spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on? No, it was going to the train station. So let’s… 

  

Tonya Kubo (37:16) 

Mm-hmm. 

  

Kathi Lipp (37:21) 

the important things be important to the people that they were important to. And you don’t have to, you don’t have to manufacture that importance any longer. Tenneil and Tonya, thank you so much for being here. And friends, thank you for being here. You’ve been listening to Clutterfree Academy. I’m Kathi Lipp Now, go live the clutter free life you were always meant to live.