by kathilipp | Aug 11, 2014 | Me |
I was 33 years old when I came to the very logical conclusion that the only way to stop the hurting was to kill myself.
I was in the depths of a very painful marriage where I never felt like I could do anything right. I was a mess. I knew I wasn’t a good wife, a good mother, or a good friend. All I could see around me were the people I was disappointing. I didn’t just feel helpless. Worse. I felt hopeless.
So I thought about how I would kill myself.
I didn’t want to hang myself – what if one of my kids found me?
Then I remembered that a radio personality I listened to on a regular basis in the Bay Area, Duane Garrett, had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. But I was afraid I would not be able to go through it.
I considered all the possibilities, very rationally, very thoughtfully. As if I were trying to decide between chicken and beef for dinner that night.
I felt sure I would go through with my plan, until I thought about what would happen to my kids. I didn’t think my kids would miss me, but I was concerned that they would be raised without me. So, continuing in what I thought was totally logical thinking, that if we all died, that would solve all of the problems.
And that’s when I felt the snap.
There was something inside my soul that just broke. I remember feeling like I was splitting down the middle of a foggy lane, and I thought to myself, “What the HELL are you thinking? What mother ever thinks of hurting herself, much less her kids.”
That snap got me to run to my therapist, where I admitted for the first time that I thought about killing myself.
The words that were assigned to me were “Situational Depression”. I was given counseling and medication. I was prayed for and I was loved. I went to bible study, and I found hope.
But every time I hear about a suicide, I think about that time some many years ago. What if there was no snap?
What if I’d never ran to get help because I was in such a dark place, I couldn’t imagine that help existed?
I only have two reasons for writing about this:
1. I believe the more people who talk about their own battle with depression, the more we can all talk about it. I know for so long I felt like I had to wear a mask and keep up appearances because things would be taken away from me if I didn’t. My kids, my job, my friends. I felt like normal people didn’t go through what I was going through, and therefore, I didn’t deserve normal people things. So I kept hiding it until there was no me left.
But, if we can say that this happens to people, real people, and share our stories, we can give someone else the courage to safely share their story, their struggle. When we find out that we’re not a freak – that our struggles are real but not rare, we have a better chance of being able to connect with someone who has gone through the same thing, or who can help us get to a healthy place.
2. Each of us has a story. I wanted to cut my story short, because I couldn’t take the pain and I couldn’t see any good up ahead.
But only God can see around the corners.
I would have missed out on so much: my second husband, who is the love of my life,
my two beautiful kids, who make me laugh every day and bring good things to the world,
my bonus kids, who I can’t imagine my life without.
A job that makes me excited to get out of bed every. single. day.
And a life that God sets before me every day and and says, “I’m crazy about you. Come alongside me. We have great things to accomplish today!”
Your story is not done. God had great adventures for you. Only he can see the ending to your story.
If you’ve been in that dark place, would you do me a favor – could you share below what God had for you on the other side. Someone needs to read about it.
If you are in that dark place? Would you please, please, reach out to a safe person? A friend, a counselor, a doctor. Please. You don’t feel it now, but you are precious. You are irreplaceable. There are things that need to be done that only you can do. God says so.
And I’ve found that he turns out to be right over and over again.
by kathilipp | Jul 25, 2014 | Uncategorized |
Are you sick and tired of trying to be perfect?
Are you exhausted trying to please everyone while wondering if they would like you even if you stopped doing for them?
Are you always doing because your success is based on your performance day-to-day (or minute-by-minute)?
Are you the queen of procrastination and it’s become less than pretty?
If you’ve said yes to any of those questions then…
IT IS TIME TO REBEL!
Now before you panic, we aren’t packing our bags to move to another state, leaving our families behind. No, this is a rebellion against the perfection, people-pleasing, performancism and procrastination. It is a call to stop trying harder and start
Living Braver.
Join the rebellion on Facebook on like the page Tiny Acts of Rebellion.
by kathilipp | Jul 21, 2014 | I Need Some Help Here, Uncategorized |
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8 (ESV)
My son Christian loves basketball and played varsity all four years of high school. Throughout each season, he was respected for his ability to lead the team, for his calmness on the floor, and for his quick thinking.
Although Christian was an incredible player, he is not aggressive by nature. So he was never known for strength and drive. These weak areas cost him playing time and made him feel like he was failing his coach.
I always told Christian, “You played your best; be proud of that.” To me, bravery was showing up to each practice and each game, even when he felt like quitting.
THE Best vs. Your Best
As a parent of an athlete, I wanted my child to succeed. I was partial to my own kid; that’s just natural. It was hard to resist all the hype of athletics. As a single mom working two jobs, I struggled to keep up with all the “parent” clubs around sports and volunteering. I too, had to work at being my best, rather than run for “BEST mom of the year award.” I wanted to stay on the good side of all the other parents by being involved in all the fundraisers and every single volunteer event.
But even as an adult, I had to remind myself, to BE my best and feel proud of that. I could not be at all events. As tempting as it was to just over-commit, I would have driven not only myself crazy but my entire family, all for the sake of somehow making a difference for my son. But no amount of my DOING was going to change his playing time one bit.
My son knew with all his heart two things: First, he knew that I was his biggest fan. Second, he knew that I was working as hard as he was toward success. My best was good enough, even when that meant missing a game because I was working or saying no to that new pair of shoes everyone else had because I did not have the income to pay the price.
It was okay to BE where we were because it was our best on that given day. I had to be brave when he was upset that he could not have what he wanted. I had to step over those feelings of inadequacy and know it was okay to just BE where I was.
BEING vs. DOING
On those occasions when I failed at BEING and fell into DOING, I found myself complaining, resentful, and tired. DOING is important; we all need to do our part in supporting the programs our kids benefit from. But we must keep our motivation for DOING in check. When I needed to say “no” but said “yes” because I didn’t want to disappoint people, I was DOING. When I said “yes” because I honestly knew the person needed help, and I was able to meet the call, I was BEING: helpful, freely giving.
So give yourself grace – as a parent, athlete, or wherever life finds you – to be satisfied with your best. BE engaged in what you are doing and know that your best is good enough to the One who counts the most, your Heavenly Father. While DOING can produce resentment if done for the wrong reasons, BEING produces gratitude.
Today, don’t worry about DOING the best or even better than anyone else. Focus on BEING your best. [Tweet “Today, don’t worry about DOING the best or even better than anyone else. Focus on BEING your best. “]
Your Turn!
How comfortable are you with the idea of BEING your best rather than trying to DO the best? How are (or aren’t) you modeling this for your child(ren)?
My bad mom friend and author of today’s Bad Mom Monday challenge is Tanja Bass. Tanja lives, works, and parents in Oregon where she has spent all but three years of her life. She has three children — who now must be referred to as “young people” — ages 15,18, and 22. Tanja enjoys speaking, writing and encouraging others. She could tell you that her journey of life has been one of foster care, adoption & divorce, but she’d far rather tell you how God is changing her story with His redeeming grace!
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Let’s just call these Bravery on a sticky note! Download, print and use these adorable sticky notes to spur you on against the “P” bullies in your life.
This printable is a great reminder that HE is indeed serious about all of this! Print it out for you, your friends, your friends friends… you get the idea.
Stephanie has generously given us a taste of her new book, The Making of a Mom, with the FREE download of the first chapter. I dare you to read it friends! Because it is SO good!
From the moment you awake until your head falls, exhausted, on your pillow, one question haunts at every turn: Am I enough? From your relationships and appearance to your career and faith, you fear the answer is “no.” But God says otherwise, and believing His words can set you free.
