Learn how to stop arguing about clutter and enjoy a stronger marriage.
My grandmother’s Norman Rockwell figurine is permanently placed on top of the piano. My father-in-law’s collection of watches will always fill a corner of Rob’s dresser drawer, dead batteries and all. We both hold on to keepsakes the other doesn’t value or understand.
Over our 25 years of cleaning, organizing, and shuffling possessions from one address to another, we’ve had our share of conflict. We don’t always see eye to eye on what to keep or purge from our house.
As we face this inevitable conflict, it can be positive or negative. On the up side, we can choose to value each other over our stuff. We can practice problem-solving as a team. We can open the door to sharing ideas and knowing one another better. And we can be challenged to be our best selves—listening, working, and putting each other first.
Yet conflict can also bring out the worst in our nature, stirring up anger and driving us apart. We’re not just fighting about material things, we’re fighting for our identity and sense of “home.” Before we can solve any dispute about what to save or throw, we have to eliminate the “clutter” keeping us from coming together.
How to Stop Arguing About Clutter
Here are five tips to clear the way to agreement and unity.
Kill the bunny.
When we start to tackle conflict, it’s tempting for the discussion to rabbit-trail into other issues and complaints, but it’s important to keep the main thing the main thing. Focus on the one keep-or-throw question at hand instead of trying to reinvent your entire relationship dynamic or five-year financial plan.
Play nice.
You might think your husband’s grade-school clay sculpture is stupid, but he’s not stupid. Your wife’s affection for vintage salt shakers does not compete for her affection for you. Keep insults, sarcasm, and criticism out of your conversation. Avoid remarks you know will push your partner’s buttons. It’s impossible to resolve a thing when you’re too mad or hurt to see straight. Attack the problem instead of each other.
Face forward.
Keep the past in the past. Dragging old mistakes and tensions into the now will push you farther apart. It will feed discouragement, stealing hope for tomorrow. Declare confidence in your relationship by pressing on to work it out. Cast a vision for a peaceful space you both can enjoy together. Give yourselves the gift of change you can look forward to.
Clear the decks.
Dedicate time to talk through your differences. Give yourselves the benefits of privacy, quiet, and energy. Don’t fight about sex in bed after midnight, argue over parenting while your little darlings can hear you in the next room, or wrangle out your budget in front of the car dealer. Don’t start sorting and cleaning when your garage sale starts in two hours! If your conversation becomes heated, show respect by taking time to step away and cool off. Do what’s needed to finish the hard work of resolving your issue.
Count the cost.
Is it more valuable to win the debate or win your loved one’s heart? Let go of your need to have the last word. Be willing to listen, compromise, and honor each other’s perspective. If you walk away feeling one of you lost and the other won, you both lost.
One of the greatest benefits of resolved conflict is the intimacy it can bring. You can celebrate your tenacious marriage. You experience a fresh sense of unity. You hold hope for the future, knowing you’re strong enough to overcome any battle. Let God use your conflict to deepen your love and commitment today so you can stop arguing about clutter.
“Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1-2 NLT)
Giveaway
Win one of these beautiful gifts from Growing Home Together!
To Enter to Win:
Leave a comment below telling us one of your “prized” possessions that you’ve had trouble decluttering.
Giveaway Rules
-One entry per household. A comment on THIS post only constitutes an entry.
-Prize includes one of the three items pictured above from Growing Home Together..
-Contest ends July 26, 2018.
-3 winners will be randomly selected from the comments on THIS post using third party software and will be notified by email.
-Prizes will be shipped by Growing Home Together.
Thank you to Growing Home Together for sponsoring this giveaway. Please see our disclosure policy for any questions.
Joanna Teigen and her husband Rob have celebrated 25 years of marriage and are loving life with five awesome kids, plus a beautiful daughter-in-law. They share an addiction to coffee, bookstores, and Christmas music. They’re a neat-freak married to a mess, an explorer to a homebody, and an introvert to a ‘people person.’ But they do agree that their vows are for always, children are a gift, and prayer is powerful. Over the years Rob and Joanna have lived in five states as they made their way to West Michigan. They look forward to meeting you at www.growinghometogether.com, supporting your pursuit of God and the hearts of your loved ones. They can’t wait to grow together with you.
I’ve had trouble getting rid of sewing related items that were my grandmother’s. I try to keep things I will actually use or have a place to enjoy them. Otherwise, I’ve been letting them go. It’s tough, but my memories serve me more than her stuff ever will. I just have to remind myself of that when making the tough decisions ?
You are so right! Those memories will last forever.
My music books. I don’t play the piano or sing very often anymore, but I can’t seem to get rid of these.
I have trouble getting rid of books.
That’s a hard one!
My kids (3) school and artwork. I love the idea of them being able to compare their own work with their future kids one day – seeing similarities and differences in skill, cursive writing, artistic abilities (or not, lol), etc. But I shouldn’t save everything and that’s what I have done! ? Embarrassing. They are all in their twenties now. How can I sort out just a few key items for each? Harder said than done for me! I need help with sentimental items all the time. Eeek
It is so hard! You could scan everything into your computer and then toss the original. 🙂
Hmmm, I’d have to say I’m having trouble decluttering my fabric bin/potential craft project supplies. I don’t make time for sewing/crafting these days with 4 kids at home, but I really do enjoy it and want to have what I need available when the mood strikes. Which is once in a blue moon..
Pass it along to someone who will enjoy everything now and then get you some new things when you’re ready to start again. 😉
I have so many samples of make up, lotions, etc. that I keep meaning to try but keep forgetting about. I’ve tried putting them on the bathroom counter so I can’t miss them, but I still forget and they sit there and take up room.
Yes!!
The three tier corner shelf that my Grandparents had made for me in anticipation YEARS before my marriage (The woodworker was 90- they were worried he would croak before I got around to tying the knot!) I have moved it to 3 different states, 6 different addresses and have yet to stain it or hang it up. Just writing this down makes me feel guilty at how disappointed they would be that it hasn’t been hung with honor in our home.
Girl, stain that baby and display it!! 🙂
My daughter’s clay figurines that she made at school when she was probably 5 or 6.. I’ve no clue what they are, but try to make me get rid of them, i dare anyone! Hehe
;-P
Hahaha!!
It would definitely be my books. I even have more than one copy of some of them. My husband says that is crazy. I didn’t pay but maybe a $1.00 or 50 cents for a book. So if I have a book that I think someone could use I can give it away knowing I helped someone with little cost. Now the rest of the stuff is a work in progress that I am working on!
That’s so generous of you to have books on hand to give to people! Keep plugging away at the clutter. 🙂
I’m not sure I have any “prized possession” but it is hard to get rid of good letters and books.
You’re so right!
I love books. I have a terrible time parting with any of my books. Don’t suggest e-books as I hate digital materials unless it is a post on a blog or facebook. I prefer to read printed material. I have an e-reader but can’t figure it out. I’m not am I sure want to do so. Thanks for the opportunity to win this giveaway.
I save a lot of things but its easier to get rid of clothes knowing I haven’t worn them in
a long time than the hundreds of books I someday want to have time to read
I am very lucky that the things I cherish my hubby has no problem with. He is ruthless when decluttering and has been some while I am working. Anything that he thinks might be questionable in my eyes he sets aside so I can go thru it before it either gets thrown away or donated and sometimes even kept.
Porcelain dolls that my grandmother gave me
I have had trouble decluttering cards people give me. Their kind words mean so much. How do I just throw them away?
Claudia, you can always scan them into your computer and then you’ll have a picture of the card forever!!
Thanks, Kathi! It took you to say that for me to get an “aha” about all of my cards. I’m the first one to tell anyone to take photos of something and then pass it on but not my cards! Yes! Now, I can let go!
Yayyy!!
A mannequin—not many people can say they have one…I named her, which personalized the clutter.
I think that’s the first time I’ve heard that one!
I love my grandmothers mixing bowls. They really only look pretty and collect dust on a low shelf next to my cook books. But I love them and love the memories they give me when I see them.
Kitchen memories! So hard to part with!
I’ve had trouble decluttering items made by my grandfather, even though they don’t really go with anything and it’s hard to find a place for them.
It IS so hard to get rid of things like that!
My shoes. I couldn’t possibly wear them all. But I might need them someday! ?
I have not scrapbooked in over 10 years since my divorce. I have held on to all that “stuff” thinking I may get back to it…or maybe get involved in making cards….alas, none of that gas happened!!!
If you’ve been hanging on for 10 years and haven’t scrapbooked yet, I’d definitely say it’s time to donate the supplies to someone!! 🙂
I have trouble letting go lotions and body mists. I have way too many & don’t wear them!
That IS a hard one!
The things i have the hardest time getting rid of are cards and letters from people.
Do you have a printer/scanner? If so, scan them into your computer and then pitch them!
I’ve had trouble letting go of books.
Same!
My most prized possession that I’ve had trouble decluttering is my clothes. I LOVE clothes, I love looking good ad and I find decluttering clothes my most difficult task.
That really is a hard one!