While the reaction on Facebook was overwhelmingly positive, enough issues were raised that I would love the chance to clear things up.
I didn’t unfriend you on Facebook, I promise. I didn’t. I’ve unfriended exactly two people in my life, and they both were for extreme kinds of things that I promise you you’ve never done. They both know that I unfriended them, and they both know why. I did, about 18 months ago, merge my Facebook Profile with my Facebook Page. I was getting close to maxing out on the number of friends I could have, and so I merged to a Page that has an unlimited number of followers. That killed my personal profile and i had to start all over friend-wise. Over the past 18 months, if you are someone I know in person and I’ve seen you on a friend’s feed and you’ve said yes to my friend request, or you’ve sent me a friend request, we are friends on my Facebook profile. Or you may be a follower on my page. Either way, I get to hear what you want to say, and try to respond as much as I can. That blog post was in no way telling a former friend here is why I’ve unliked you – because I haven’t. (I HAVE hidden a couple of people’s Facebook streams because of what I’ve talked about in yesterday’s post, or because of extreme religious and political views – but I usually unhide most people once elections are over.)
I wasn’t saying you should only post negative stuff. Somehow, that is how it got interpreted by a few people. I was asking for a little balance and reality. I love to celebrate your child’s good grade and your dog passing obedience school. As I said in the post – I also love when you, with humor and grace, share about a bad hair day.
My main objective was to help women feel permission to not have to read every status update. Facebook is a tricky place and by the number of Facebook comments I got yesterday, I can tell this is an issue for a lot of women. Some people said that they only want to be positive and post good stuff. That’s fine. I’m just saying, if you are doing more than posting encouraging updates, if you’re bragging on a day to day basis, I may hide your posts. You have the right to post what you want. I have the right to read what I need.
If yesterday’s post caused you to rethink a post today, I’m glad. If it gave you permission to hide, even for a day or two, somebody’s post that was dragging you down, I’m really glad. If you felt that I was trying to hurt a former Facebook friend, I am truly sorry. I promise you that was not my intention.
(And BTW – none of those things are sarcastic, I truly mean them,)
I am happy for you. I truly am.
I’m happy that your kids are all doing what they are supposed to be doing in life.
I’m happy that doors are opening and you are so darn grateful for everything that is happening in your life.
I’m happy that you and your husband are happy. That you rarely fight and that you wake up grateful every day for being in the same space.
I truly am happy for you. (You’re gonna think I’m not. But I promise you, I am.)
But…
But I can’t take it anymore. I promise you, I am not wishing you ill will. I want you to have those things. But here’s the thing.
I can’t hear about them anymore.
You (and a lot of people reading this,) are going to think that I’m shallow. If I could only get a little more Jesus, I could read your posts, your back door brags, every updating starting with the same phrase, “I’m so proud of___________ (insert child’s name here.)”. Maybe you’re right. But God and I are working on me, together. And one of the things I need to work on (big time) is actively working against discontent. And I’m working on it:
We’ve adopted a Compassion child (because who can sit in a place of discontent when you can take food in the fridge and a bed to sleep in for a given?)
Roger and I are purposely looking for ways to help people in our lives
I write a list of gratitude once a week
I look for things to thank God for, aloud, every single day
I’m working on it.
But every time I read a post about your seemingly perfect life, I go back to that ugly place. That gnarled, twisted ugly place where I think to myself “Why does God love her more than me?” (I told you it was ugly…)
It brings me back to 4th grade where my teacher, Mrs. B. took a weird dislike to me. (How anyone can randomly hate a nine year old is beyond me, but I digress.) Mrs. B. would pass out candy to the kids in class, but “run out” when it came to me. If a friend and I were caught talking, I would be sent to run laps out on the field, but my friend was excused. She tried to have me switched to the “Early Readers” (in other words, slow readers) class even though I was reading three grades beyond our level. I couldn’t understand why Mrs. B. seemingly liked all the other girls in class, but didn’t like me.
So I go along in my life, practicing my gratitudes. Not always getting it perfect, but definitely making progress. And then I run across a post from a friend who talks about their poor choice, or the poor choice of one of their kids, and they do it with humor and grace (because the worst choices can make the best stories,) and it encourages me, and makes me want to rally around my friend and do the dance of the sister-in-arms – we may trip, we may stumble, but because we are linking arms, and loving each other, we will not let each other fall. And I keep dancing.
But when I come to your post, about your child’s perfect grades, and this post is identical to the six posts before it, showing me the shiny side of your life? It brings me back to fourth grade. And let me tell you – once was enough for fourth grade.
I need to read your highs and your lows. I need to know that you get it. No – I don’t need your family secrets. I do need to know when your hair looks like Don King, or when you bought the ice cream after your son’s team lost the soccer match. Brag on your kids – yes – let me celebrate them with you. But balance the victories with the “growing opportunities”. Because we all have ’em.
OK so I’m not blocking you today. I’m hiding your post for a while until I get a little stronger. Let’s check back with each other in six months. We both may be different then. Maybe I can hold you up when one of those “growing opportunities” comes along.
Have you ever gotten to the end of a week and thought, “I had such plans. How did this week get away from me?”
Each Monday, I write out a list of goals for the week. I’ll be honest – it takes some time – sometimes 15 minutes – sometimes, much longer. It seems like it should be easy to think of them, but I can overwhelm myself by wanting to come up with too many – I keep it to two goals in five areas: Home, Relationships, Me, Business and God. That doesn’t mean that I don’t do anything else in those areas. What it does mean is that by next Saturday, I want to look back on this list and have these specific things done.
Some of them I need to break down, (finish speaker page is multiple steps and will involve multiple people,) but if I don’t write down the goal, and then break it down, it will stay on my mental “wish list” for months.
Many of these goals are part of my bigger plan for life. “Research shade solutions for back patio,” is part of my summer goal or having an outdoor living space. Again, breaking things down into 15 minute chunks (that’s all it takes to start researching,) will get me that much closer to my goal.
So here are my goals for the week. I hope they serve as a little inspiration:
Home Goals
Make meal plans for the month of June (including trying two new healthy menu options)
Research backyard shade solutions
Relationship Goals
Plan June Birthday parties/Father’s Day
Plan a date with Roger for Washington
There are times when my husband can still shock me.
I was reading the memoir/manifesto of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead. In one of the chapters about why women try less often for management jobs than their male counterparts, she revealed this fascinating statistic about my husband’s own company:
Internal research by Hewlett-Packard found that women only apply for jobs for which they feel they are a 100% match; men do so even when they meet no more than 60% of the requirements.
I couldn’t believe it and shared that stat with Roger adding on, “Why would anyone apply for a job that they were only 60% qualified for?”
And Roger said, “Oh I’ve done that. I’m guessing some of the jobs I’ve applied for I was probably 40% qualified for.”
I couldn’t believe it. My husband is one of the smartest, most capable men I know. So what was he doing going around applying for jobs that he was completely unqualified for?
He continued. “Yeah, I figure, if it’s something I’m interested in, I can figure it out as I go along. I can do the research – and where better to learn than on the job.” And the crazy thing is? Nine times out of ten? He’s gotten the job.
And it made me think – how many times have I not gone for something I really wanted, simply because I was worried about someone calling me out – telling me I’m a fraud – unqualified – a poser. Why haven’t I gone with my husband’s plan – realizing I have gifts and can learn what I need to learn as I go. Whether it’s a new job, being a mom, volunteering or anything I really want to do but is outside my zone.
What would you do if you didn’t worry about other people’s reactions? What would you want to try, learn, do if you weren’t afraid?
I know this may feel like a reach, but stick with me.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, overtired, and stuck, I tend to let the “stuff” (or whatever word you use when you are feeling overwhelmed, overtired and stuck – don’t worry – I won’t be offended…) build up in my life. I don’t deal with problems in my relationships, I don’t deal with the piles in my house, and I don’t do the self-care that is needed (reading my Bible, praying, hanging our with people who fill me up,) to stay healthy. Instead, I put things off until I feel like dealing with it.
It’s the same with my bag.
When I feel crazy busy, I tend to let the junk build up in my purse. Instead of dealing with the receipts, returns, broken pens that are leaking, melted lipsticks that are staining, I just pile more stuff on top of it all, waiting for the magical time I’ll have to deal with it all.
Heavy bags lead to sore shoulders, lost time looking for things, and a sense of feeling out of control.
Heavy lives lead to brokenness, sickness, and feeling out of control.
When I’m feeling that way, I need to take small steps to get back to healthy. I know that cleaning out your bag may seem really, really small, but it can help. You can go change the world when you can find your car keys on a regular basis.
I’ve read the books. Done the programs. Bought the CDs.
And I’ve prayed. Oh how I’ve prayed.
But here’s the thing: I’m still fat.
Can I tell you how humbling it is to have your weakness – your sin – on the outside for all the world to see? Even before I open my mouth, share my heart, or find out one little fact about you, I have to overcome the fact that you know I’m not in control. That I’m a failure in this really huge part of my life.
If I could change anything about me, this would be it. I feel like it has “clicked” for so many others, but has never clicked for me.
Some of you may be thinking, “Well if she weren’t so lazy, she wouldn’t be fat.” or “If she could just show some self control, she wouldn’t be that way.” I used to think that as well. But here is the thing that all that godly therapy and the love of an amazing husband has shown me: I’m not lazy. (I work really, really hard in a lot of areas of my life.) I do have self-control (in many areas of my life). But this one area? I haven’t got figured out.
I’m not writing this so that you will be sympathetic. The good news is that the people who love me are going to continue loving me whether I can shop in the regular store or have to shop in the plus-sized department. The reason I’m sharing this is because there is so much shame around this for me, and if there is for me, I’m sure that my other friends who struggle with their weight (or other areas of their life,) feel that shame as well. And I’m telling you that I think it’s OK to believe with my whole heart that as I keep trying to become healthier and stronger, God loves me in my brokeness and weakness. That shame that we feel that we have to “lead with” in life so we can say to the world: “Don’t tell me I’m not OK – I already know it – I’m totally shamed so you don’t have to shame me – I’ve already done it for myself” is not what God wants for us. God wants us to live free. Not just skinny and free. Free.
I’m also not writing this as an excuse for being this way. I’m trying to figure this out because I love God and my family and want to be around for a long time. I know this will make some people angry, that I’m not going to shame myself here, but I’m OK with that. My weight is between me and God. For some reason, fat people make a lot of other people angry. That’s about them – not the overweight person they are shaming.
I’m going to choose to believe Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I don’t know why I overeat. Oh I know the standard answer: I have a hole in my heart that only God can fill, but I’m filling it with food. But here’s the thing: That is shaming, and I don’t think shaming people gets them to change. (At least it’s never worked in my life.) In the past ten years I have been fifty pounds heavier than I am now, and I’ve also been fifty pounds lighter. My weight didn’t correspond to my prayer life or my bible reading. I don’t have the answer, but I’m not going to give up trying to figure it out.
This is the thorn in my flesh. This is the most humbling thing in my life. This situation right here? This is the thing that I pray about and struggle about and talk to God about. In some ways, this has been the thing in my life that has made me run to God and fall on my face like nothing else ever has.
So here’s what I’m going to do: keep talking to God and trying to figure why I am the way that I am. I’m going to keep trying to believe that God loves me the same way that my husband does: He loves me just as I am. AND He wants His best for me. There is no “but” between those two statements. It is possible to be overweight and totally adoringly loved by God.
Am I alone in this? If you struggle with your weight, do you know that God loves you exactly as you are this very moment? Do you know He is not waiting for you to be “normal” before He will love you? I want you to know you are adored. You are cherished. You are a delight to Him who loves you more than you will ever understand or know.
I have to work on this every single day of my life – this knowledge that God loves me just like this. I pray that it becomes a reality for you and for me.
So in yesterday’s post, provokingly titled Let Me Tell You Why I Unfriended You On Facebook I talked about the need to filter some of the people in your life if you’re struggling in areas.
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