If you are in need of a little Mom Grace right now (I get it, I’ve had to apologize to not one, but two of my kids this week…) I hope you will listen to my conversation with the guys from Focus on the Family about what to do when you feel like a Bad Mom.
Are you constantly struggling with guilt, shame and the illusion of perfection and being in control? So many moms deal with these feelings every single day. But we don’t have to!
I want you to be filled with hope, and grace for yourself and your kids. Listen in to the two-part broadcast where we discuss tools for getting through the big and small difficulties we go through with our children.
Just click on the links to the right to listen in on the conversation.
When my agent asked me if I wanted to speak on behalf of Compassion International two years ago, I was intrigued. I’ve always loved their work, and our church has a project in Nicaragua.
But you know how these things go – we had a couple of conversations, but it never really went anywhere. Yes, we sponsored a child, but I didn’t really have a story that was compelling for audiences about Compassion and the idea of supporting kids.
About six months ago, I hired a new booking agent, Julie. Julie has a huge heart, is super talented, and oh – she used to work for Compassion with their Artist Program (working with speakers and musicians.)
So I told Julie about my desire to work with Compassion – and she set up the call. The call that changed it all…
When we talked with Nate with Compassion, he said yes, we’d love for you to speak on behalf of Compassion. Then he asked, “Do you already have a Compassion child?” When I told him that yes, we sponsored Roger in Nicaragua, Nate suddenly got very quiet. Finally he asked, “What are you doing November third through seventh?”
Ummmm…
That’s when Nate invited me to go to Nicaragua to meet Roger and see the work that Compassion was doing there. Then Nate asked, “Do you want to go?”
And my first thought was “Um – NO!”
I’m not ready.
I need to speak Spanish first.
I need to lose more weight first.
I need to be in better shape.
I need to write more letters to Roger.
I’m not ready.
But good thing I didn’t say that out loud.
What I did say was, “Let me talk to my husband and pray about it.”
In other words, I did the Jesus-y stall tactic.
As much as I feared going. (“What if I held other people back? What if I got sick from bug bites like in Japan and had to be hospitalized again? What if…”) What I realized I feared more was not going.
Not doing what so clearly felt like a divine God-only opportunity.
Not doing what I knew I wanted to do, but feared.
So we said yes.
My Roger (my husband) is also going. We are taking the typhoid meds, we are learning very bad Spanish, and we are shopping for shoes and T-shirts for little Roger, who we get to meet in just over a week.
Fear almost kept me from the God-adventure of a lifetime. But I refuse to let fear have a foothold in my life. Fear is the one thing that will keep me from saying yes to God. I want fear to have no room to get comfortable in my life.
Or it’s just the everyday stuff that is driving each of you crazy. So I thought I’d take the next several Wednesdays and address the four biggest reasons that women are coming to me about their marriage, and try to give you some practical take aways about what you can do about it.
Reason #1 Marriage is hard: Money
Earlier this year, Roger and I got the notice that Target had the tiniest of security breeches and sadly, his card was affected. (You know. The debit card that EVERYTHING is attached to…) To say it was inconvenient is an understatement.
But we dutifully changed all of our cards and got them hooked up with our accounts.
Well. Almost.
Turns out there was one account that didn’t get reconnected. Our homeowners dues.
We got a bill from them every month, which I promptly put in the recycling. (After all, we were paying it online right?) Each month they would send us a statement of how grossly past due we were, and each month I would toss it.
Until the postman rang twice.
With a registered letter.
This letter let us know that we were six months behind in homeowners fees, and in addition to that, the penalties, and now LAWYERS fees, well let’s just say that we were thousands and thousands of dollars behind.
Oh – and this came in May – right when my income goes to zero.
To say that this was a stressful summer financially would be a gross understatement. This is the summer that we will spend two years recovering from.
(And yes. I open ALL of the mail now.)
Here are a few things I learned from our summer of financial ruin:
Accept that money is not one partner’s responsibility. I tended to leave the money stuff to Roger, but the burden needs to be both of ours. While Roger is the leader of our home, we run it like a partnership – that means the rights and the responsibilities.
When money times are tense, do everything within your power to cut spending. This summer we had a lot of “Pantry Meals” (eating things we already had in our pantry and freezer.) I kept our grocery budget to a minimum, only ran the air conditioning when it was sweltering hot, got clothes altered instead of buying new things, redecorated with paint instead of trips to Home Goods, and looked for free or cheap entertainment. I couldn’t make our debt go away, but I could do my best to contribute in any way I could see fit.
Get help.Dave Ramsey and Crystal Paine have saved many a marriage. Check out their websites, and get on the same page with your spouse. It is marriage-empowering to actually do things together to save money. Be a cord cutter and get rid of cable. (We did, and we’ve lived to tell about it.)
Get on the same side in your marriage. Yep- it’s frustrating when bills go unpaid or you’re not making as much as you used to. But blaming each other is a surefire way to add more stress to your marriage. Have a weekly meeting to go over finances and get on the same page. (We have a weekly “Food and Finances” night where we go over bills and then eat something delicious. It’s our little reward for being responsible adults.
Pray specifically. Get VERY specific with God about your financial needs. God is not offended by your needing money help. Jesus talks about money all the time in the Bible. When Roger and I were having severe money issues, we spent a lot of time praying, and rejoiced every time God answered our prayers. It was a great boon to our marriage seeing God be so active in our need.
So what advice would you add to this list? Tell me in the comments below, and one commenter will win a four book marriage set, including The Husband Project, Praying God’s Word for Your Husband and two copies of The Marriage Project.
Are you exhausted trying to please everyone while wondering if they would like you even if you stopped doing for them?
Are you always doing because your success is based on your performance day-to-day (or minute-by-minute)?
Are you the queen of procrastination and it’s become less than pretty?
If you’ve said yes to any of those questions then…
IT IS TIME TO REBEL!
Now before you panic, we aren’t packing our bags to move to another state, leaving our families behind. No, this is a rebellion against the perfection, people-pleasing, performancism and procrastination. It is a call to stop trying harder and start
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8 (ESV)
My son Christian loves basketball and played varsity all four years of high school. Throughout each season, he was respected for his ability to lead the team, for his calmness on the floor, and for his quick thinking.
Although Christian was an incredible player, he is not aggressive by nature. So he was never known for strength and drive. These weak areas cost him playing time and made him feel like he was failing his coach.
I always told Christian, “You played your best; be proud of that.” To me, bravery was showing up to each practice and each game, even when he felt like quitting.
THE Best vs. Your Best
As a parent of an athlete, I wanted my child to succeed. I was partial to my own kid; that’s just natural. It was hard to resist all the hype of athletics. As a single mom working two jobs, I struggled to keep up with all the “parent” clubs around sports and volunteering. I too, had to work at being my best, rather than run for “BEST mom of the year award.” I wanted to stay on the good side of all the other parents by being involved in all the fundraisers and every single volunteer event.
But even as an adult, I had to remind myself, to BE my best and feel proud of that. I could not be at all events. As tempting as it was to just over-commit, I would have driven not only myself crazy but my entire family, all for the sake of somehow making a difference for my son. But no amount of my DOING was going to change his playing time one bit.
My son knew with all his heart two things: First, he knew that I was his biggest fan. Second, he knew that I was working as hard as he was toward success. My best was good enough, even when that meant missing a game because I was working or saying no to that new pair of shoes everyone else had because I did not have the income to pay the price.
It was okay to BE where we were because it was our best on that given day. I had to be brave when he was upset that he could not have what he wanted. I had to step over those feelings of inadequacy and know it was okay to just BE where I was.
BEING vs. DOING
On those occasions when I failed at BEING and fell into DOING, I found myself complaining, resentful, and tired. DOING is important; we all need to do our part in supporting the programs our kids benefit from. But we must keep our motivation for DOING in check. When I needed to say “no” but said “yes” because I didn’t want to disappoint people, I was DOING. When I said “yes” because I honestly knew the person needed help, and I was able to meet the call, I was BEING: helpful, freely giving.
So give yourself grace – as a parent, athlete, or wherever life finds you – to be satisfied with your best. BE engaged in what you are doing and know that your best is good enough to the One who counts the most, your Heavenly Father. While DOING can produce resentment if done for the wrong reasons, BEING produces gratitude.
Today, don’t worry about DOING the best or even better than anyone else. Focus on BEING your best. [Tweet “Today, don’t worry about DOING the best or even better than anyone else. Focus on BEING your best. “]
Your Turn!
How comfortable are you with the idea of BEING your best rather than trying to DO the best? How are (or aren’t) you modeling this for your child(ren)?
My bad mom friend and author of today’s Bad Mom Monday challenge is Tanja Bass. Tanja lives, works, and parents in Oregon where she has spent all but three years of her life. She has three children — who now must be referred to as “young people” — ages 15,18, and 22. Tanja enjoys speaking, writing and encouraging others. She could tell you that her journey of life has been one of foster care, adoption & divorce, but she’d far rather tell you how God is changing her story with His redeeming grace!
If you are a woman who is tired of trying harder is getting you nowhere, we ( Cheri Gregory and I) would like to invite you to help us launch our new book!
If you are ready to take a stand against the bullies of Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, Performancism, and Procrastination, and you love to read – this is the launch team for you.
If that sounds like you, come join our Braver Living Rebellion!
If you are in need of a little Mom Grace right now (I get it, I’ve had to apologize to not one, but two of my kids this week…) I hope you will listen to my conversation with the guys from Focus on the Family about what to do when you feel like a Bad Mom.
