Looking back on those days when I was just a young woman stepping into marriage, I see this: what I said I expected and what I really expected were two different things.
What I planned on was spending the rest of my life with my best friend, what I didn’t foresee was that my love for this man would bring me to the cross time and again.
There’s something about the character of antiques that takes our breath away. They are unique, of precious value, and have stood the test of time. So it is with love that is preserved by a couple who care enough about their marriage to value its worth.
How do you preserve the worth of something so precious when the wear and tear of this world are bringing it down? You put the cross at the center of your marriage.
“And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” ~ Luke 9:23, KJV
The bumps in our marriage however big or small have always been surrounded by selfish ambition and pride. But when I move pride aside to make room for patience, understanding and kindness I see two hearts molding together as one.
Philippians 2 tells us to put on the mind of Christ, which tells me that I need to start thinking like Him who humbled Himself before man.
“But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men.” ~ Philippians 2:7, KJV
With that said, I’d like to add this: servant-hood isn’t about washing dishes or doing someone’s laundry–any dry cleaner or maid service can do that. It stems from a place in our heart where we give up our right to be “right,” for the good of our marriage.
Keeping house and making good meals for our family is an extension of that love, but it isn’t the root and never should be. A flower without root soon withers away, but one firmly planted has long-lasting beauty.
I challenge you to take on the heart of a servant who humbled Himself before God and man.
You are loved by an almighty God,
Darlene
In The Good Wife’s Guide New York Times best-selling author Darlene Schacht encourages women to joyfully serve their families. In doing so she offers reasons for achieving a well-managed home backed by scripture and gleaned from experience. As well she provides readers with detailed cleaning and organizing schedules for practical application.
Darlene encourages women to make faith and family their first priorities from a place of sacrificial love, and reminds women that they were created with a specific purpose in mind, which is that of being a help meet. In supporting our husbands and living in unity we reflect God’s blueprint for marriage.
Create a warm atmosphere that your family will appreciate
Understand your divinely-created purpose
Find ways to communicate and handle conflict in your marriage
Get your house organized and keep it that way
Darlene and her husband Michael live in Manitoba Canada. Married 24 years, they have four children (three still at home), two birds and a pug who is everyone’s baby, especially hers! Their lives are basically surrounded with three things: faith, music and everything books.
She’s an award winning and New York Times best-selling author who is nothing without the grace of God.
UPDATED: July 14, 2016: In the midst of The Husband Project online bible study with Proverbs 31, I wanted to share this older article with all my new friends working hard to love on their husband. It can be especially hard to know how to love on our men when he’s having a hard time. It can be depression, being overwhelmed, overly stressed, health issues, etc. As wives we CAN help even when we feel helpless.
I get some variation on this question a lot when I’m speaking: What should you I do when my husband is overwhelmed?
It could be because of work – or finances. Or there’s stuff going on with his parents, or in your family. Whatever the reason, we all know when it’s happening. Maybe he get’s really quiet and withdrawn. He may be in a place where talking about it (or just about anything,) is overwhelming. He’s exhausted, so either he sleeps all the time, or he doesn’t sleep at all.
You know what it looks like for your man. But when you see it happening, don’t just wait for the wave to pass. There are things you can do actively help your man during this difficult time.
Here are five things you can do right away when you realize that your husband is overwhelmed:
1. Lighten His Load Are there things around the house that your husband normally does, that you, (or an older child) can do for him right now? Even hiring a teenager to mow the lawn could be just what your husband needs to know that you’ve got his back.
2. Pray for Him Here are eight verses you can pray for your husband, right now, as he’s feeling overwhelmed. I think it’s important to let your husband know that you’re praying for him. Roger walks with new confidence when he knows that I’ve got his back, prayer-wise.
3. Feed Him I don’t want it to seem like I’m making our guys into cavemen, but there is something about knowing where his next meal is coming from that can really make a man feel more secure. If you haven’t signed up for my newsletter, you can right now and receive my e-cookbook The Ultimate Guide to Man Food for some inspiration.
4. Sex or Physical Touch Again – not trying to go caveman here, but sex is (for most men,) the biggest tension reliever he will experience. Setting aside some time (and even asking your parents if the kids can have a sleepover,)will do more for your husband than just about anything else. However, if he is in a place that sex is even an area of discouragement, offer a no-strings-attached massage, or head, hand or foot rub.
5. Words of Encouragement One of the reasons your husband may be feeling overwhelmed is that he is feeling undervalued. What can you say to make him know that he is valued and respected?
“Thanks for working so hard to provide for us. I appreciate all you do.”
“I feel safe when I’m with you.”
“You take such great care of me and the kids.”
“I love how you lead our home.”
“God blessed me so much by letting me be your wife.”
Plan a Family Fun Night for some time in the next week.
Making the Connection
Is it really possible to feed a family of six and have fun, all for fifteen dollars? I dare you to find out! When my kids were young, we didn’t have the financial capacity to blow hundreds of dollars on family adventures. We never had front row seats to Broadway plays. Or season tickets to the 49ers. Or fancy dinners at those restaurants where you get to cook your meat over a little grill in the middle of the table.
Instead, we would have “Fifteen Dollar Family Night.” One family member (sometimes it was a kid, sometimes a parent) was in charge of the planning. The chosen planner would get fifteen dollars to feed and entertain the troops. Our family experienced everything from a bake-at-home pizza and a DVD of The Princess Bride to a home-packed picnic at the duck park followed by an afternoon at the local nickel arcade.
And while these adventures aren’t as glamorous as front-row tickets to the Taylor Swift concert, they ended up being experiences that we laughed and talked about for years to come.
We found many benefits to setting aside some time for family fun:
Not only did Family Fun Night give us an opportunity to spend time together, it forced our kids to plan, budget, and take other people’s likes and dislikes into consideration.
We found that giving the kids the chance to plan the event helped them enjoy this time a whole lot more. Our kids really got into it. Sometimes the event was a surprise to the rest of the family. On another occasion, Kimberly made invitations for everyone in the family so they would know what the evening held (as well as appropriate dress code).
Having a limited budget has a special magical quality. With such limited funds for a night out, there was no resorting to a dinner out for everyone at your favorite family restaurant followed by the latest movie in the theaters.
Make Connecting Fun
Perhaps the best part about Family Fun Night is the unlimited number of variations. It doesn’t have to be fifteen dollars. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It doesn’t even have to be at night. You plan according to your family’s schedule and budget. Remember, the goal is to have a meal and some entertainment.
Back when my kids were younger, we kept a small, lidded basket better known as the “family mailbox” in the middle of our cluttered kitchen counter. And inside it, I’d often find sticky notes with the words “I love you, Mom,” written with green glitter pen in my daughter’s best nine-year-old cursive.
Our family mailbox was a great way to encourage each other and brighten our kids’ days. Even when my kids grew past the age of wanting notes in their brown-paper lunch bags where their friends could see them, they never minded finding a note or a small treat in the family mailbox.
Since then, I’ve learned that a handwritten and heartfelt note can go a long way to make someone feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. So for this connection, I want you to write your kid a love note and leave it somewhere where she’ll find it.
Make Connecting Fun
Here are a few ideas to get the ink flowing.
Start a family mailbox. All you need is a basket, a pad of paper, and a pen. You can start the ball rolling by writing notes to each member of your family. You could start with a note of encouragement or maybe a Bible verse. End the note with a question, such as, “If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?” I promise you will get some fascinating mail in your little basket.
Welcome your kid home with a note. I saw this on Pinterest. Use dry-erase markers to write “Welcome home! I love you!” on a china plate. Then prop up the plate on a plate stand and put it on the counter for your kids to see when they get home from school.
Send notes in your kid’s lunch. In her book Love Notes in Lunchboxes: And Other Ideas to Color Your Child’s Day, Linda Gilden tells about the day her daughter said: “You know, Mom, I don’t really remember what you said in all those notes you wrote in my lunches. But I remember you wrote them and they always showed you cared. Some days I think all you said was, ‘Have a good day’ or ‘You are special,’ but it meant a lot. Just to know that you took the time to write a note and that you thought it was an important part of my lunch made my day. Most kids only had food in their lunch bags!”Yes, food is an essential part of the lunchbox. But even more important than the food for our children’s bodies is the food for their spirits. And it doesn’t have to be dispensed in a lunchbox. There are plenty of ways to encourage and affirm our children.
Write out an acrostic using the letters of your child’s name. Hang it on their door or on the fridge so they can see how great you think they are.
J ust so funny
E nergetic
R eady for anything
E veryone loves him
M y favorite person to watch cartoons with
Y ou are a great kid!
Send Scripture notes. Can’t think of what to write? God gave us a whole book of love notes. Just borrow one of His! Then add a few words of your own.
God’s Note: “Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always” (1 Chronicles 16:11).
Mom’s or Dad’s note: Always trust God. He knows what’s best for you, and He is bigger than any problem you may have.
Write a list. Jot down a quick list and leave it on a sticky note on the bathroom mirror where your child can see it when they brush their teeth or get ready for school. Try “Top Three Reasons I Love You” or “Top Five Reasons Our Family Is the Greatest” or “Top Five Reasons You Are My Favorite Lunchbox Kid.”
A Chance to Win:
Tell me what you’re going to write to your child and I’ll enter you in a drawing for a copy of 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids!!! (Entries close at midnight on Friday PST.)
Start a prayer journal to help you intentionally pray for your kids.
Making the Connection:
A few years ago, Amanda was engaged to someone who wasn’t right for her. It was obvious to Roger and me, and everything in me wanted to open my mouth and talk some sense into her. I wanted to explain what I thought. I wanted to beg and plead. I wanted to write out a list of all the godly characteristics that I envisioned for her future spouse. But I didn’t. Instead, we shut up and prayed.
And we prayed.
And we prayed.
And we prayed some more.
It took almost a year (yes, an entire year!), but they broke off the engagement. We now joke that if your kid is dating someone who isn’t right for them, call us. We have a ministry of praying the wrong guys out.All joking aside, praying for your kids is powerful. I can say without hesitation that it is the number one most valuable thing I have done for my children. And that’s why I want to encourage you to start a prayer journal that will help you intentionally pray for your kids every day.
Make Connecting Fun:
Starting a prayer journal is actually really easy.
Step 1: Pick up a journal. I like mine to be small enough to fit into my purse so I can bring it with me when I’m traveling and pretty enough to display on a bookshelf. But really, anything—from a 99-cent spiral notebook from the dollar store to an iPad with a stylus—will work.
Step 2: Pick a time to journal. If you’re anything like me, you probably start every day with the best intentions. But by the time you’ve managed to feed the kids, walk the dog, make the coffee, do carpool, clean the dishes, sweep the floor, and switch the laundry (all before 9:00 a.m.) even your best laid plans get derailed. So set aside time every day — set a daily reminder on your iPhone if you have to — so that praying for your kids becomes a daily priority.
Step 3: Talk to God on paper. Your prayers don’t have to be eloquent or full of poetic language. Just talk to God about your kids. One thing I’ve found to be really helpful is to use a verse from the Bible to pray for my kids. Here are a few of the verses I’ve prayed over my kids over the years:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).
But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen (2 Peter 3:18).
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, LORD, is in you. (Psalm 25:21)
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. (Proverbs 3:3)
I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:8)
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)
Try this: Tell someone else how great your kid is in a way that best suits his or her individual personality.
Make the Connection:
Let me just say: My son Justen is an excellent writer. Well, he is. He’s great. I love reading his stories. I literally beam with pride every time he finishes a story and have to stifle the impulse to call my friend at the bookstore and warn her that a bestseller is on the way. He’s that good.
I could go on and on about how great he is… but I just can’t tell him. Why? Because he hates it.
A few weeks ago, I said to him, “I love what a creative writer you are!”
He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I don’t even know why you’re telling me this.” As if it were causing him grief to have to spend the energy listening to me.
Justen is part amiable, part analytic: He’s thoughtful and adaptable and nurturing… but he’s also very pensive and private and slightly mortified to hear his mom go on and on about his work. So, I’ve learned that a well-timed “nice job on that” says a lot more than hours of gushing.
My gushing was well-intentioned — I was proud of him and he really is a great writer. But, my delivery? Well-intentioned or not, it didn’t work. So instead of beaming with pride at my words, he scoffed. I now know that for him, less is more. Timing is everything. And my gushing on and on only makes me seem insincere.
I want you to brag on your kids in a way that really makes them proud of their accomplishments — and in a way that is best received by their individual personality type. So for this challenge, I want you to brag on your child in a way that makes them feel loved, appreciated and proud.
Make Connecting Fun:
It’s one thing to brag about your kids. It’s an entirely different thing to brag about them in the way that they best understand affirmation. In their personal brag language, if you will. My friend Cheri Gregory explains exactly how to do that for each personality type in this free download Bragging on Your Child Based on their Personality. A little cheat sheet, if you will, to help you brainstorm on how best to encourage your child.
he Good Wife’s Guide New York Times best-selling author Darlene Schacht encourages women to joyfully serve their families. In doing so she offers reasons for achieving a well-managed home backed by scripture and gleaned from experience. As well she provides readers with detailed cleaning and organizing schedules for practical application.
Go to 
