Who Are You Listening to?
Deciding What Goes into Your Brain
Today: When it comes to the goal you have set for yourself, is there one voice that is holding you back? Think long and hard about the messages that you are letting into your mind. Is there a negative person in your life that you need to have better boundaries with? Are you giving yourself bad messages? Take a step to create those boundaries around your goal today.
Tossing the 8-Tracks (Getting Rid of Old Tapes)
I have struggled with weight all of my life. I go up, I go down. It is nice to know that when I get to heaven I will have a perfect body, but for now, I still have to shop in the women’s section of any department store. (At least I know I’m a Queen – my underwear says so…)
For the most part, my friends and family are an incredible support to me and love me through my struggle. They lovingly hold me accountable when I am working hard at controlling my food and exercise, and gently encourage back to health when I am slacking off. I am blessed to be surrounded by such safe and sane people.
But of course, every group has that one person. You know who she is. She may call herself “a truth teller” or is just blunt beyond what is socially acceptable. Or maybe you just call her mean.
After I had my first baby, I was talking with a group of women and said offhandedly, “Yep, time to get back to the gym, I need to lose this baby weight,” (and then some.)
One of my relatives (her name has been withheld to protect the stupid,) looked at me and said, “You know, it’s going to be harder to lose the weight now that you had a baby.” I burned inside. Hurt and angry I thought to myself (but didn’t have the guts to say,) “Really?!? Oh thanks so much for sharing with me! I think you’ve missed your calling as a motivational speaker.” I would love to say that I just brushed that comment aside, but that baby I was pregnant with is now in college and I remember it like it was last week’s episode of Project Runway.
We all have those things that were said to us or about us that stick with you.
• “Really? You are trying out for choir? Don’t you have to be able to sing to be in choir?”
• “I thought you were smarter than that.” (Actually said to my husband by a co-worker.)
• “It might be easier to work out if you lost some weight.” (Really? This has to be the craziest statement in the English language.)
Isn’t it funny how we could have 98 people tell us that we look great, did a wonderful job on that report, our kids are great, and the painting we just finished is a-maz-ing, but if two people criticize us, those are the comments that stick to our soul.
Now that you are trying to do something outside of the box – follow God in a new or different direction, try something that you have never tried before, explore a dream or passion that you have tried to ignore, I can guarantee you that those negative words that you heard last week (or maybe in 1987) are going to come back to haunt you.
Tell us in the comments below if you are having to set boundaries in a negative relationship or change your own self talk to be God honoring. If you have a piece of advice on how to do either one let us know as well. You could win the book Prayers for Life 
Unfotunately, my old tapes really are from the 8-track era and come in a variety of voices- my own, my father’s, my ex-husband’s, an ex-boyfriend’s, hmmm… I’m seeing a trend there…) I have been frequently described as a procrastinator, and accused of never following through and finishing anything. While I know this isn’t entirely true- I have a B.A. and an M.F.A., I’ve delivered a 6 1/2 pound baby girl and raised her single-handedly for 8 years- there is still a part of me that describes myself as a procrastinator. I took a class last summer which explored the relationship between perfectionism and procrastination- big surprise there, huh? I’m doing much better at letting go of the perfectionistic tendencies which has eliminated most of the procrastination, but still I hear the 8-track tapes in my head.
I was taught two things when working through some abuse trauma :
1. Just because someone gives you advise, it doesn’t mean you have to take it.
2. For every negative thought that crosses your mind, follow it with a positive.
We are our worst critics but we are also our best cheerleaders !
For most of my life, I’ve been driven to do whatever it takes to avoid criticism. I’ve either shrunk back from doing something for fear of being criticized OR over-done tasks way above and beyond anything reasonable just so nobody could possibly criticize my performance.
Thanks to a wise friend, I now have this quote above my computer: “To avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” Elbert Hubbard
It’s time for me to do, say, and be all God created me to be!
My husband and I are going to be starting a study group with our church. “Boundaries: When to say yes, and how to say no”
Oh, yeah…definitely have outdated tapes that play. I need to reprogram them with scripture. I have some negative family I need to start limiting my time with.
Thanks for the post!
Many tapes – some from others and some from within. If I look at my blogging goal, the tapes come from within. Do I really have anything worthwhile to say? Will people even read what I write? How can I make a difference in anyone’s life? So, I don’t write as much as I’d like to. Now I just need to re-write those tapes. I can answer my own questions in the affirmative. OR, I can start writing for God and myself and just not worry about the others. Thanks!
Great post–yep lots of tapes–I have been working hard on talking to myself and through them and it works most of the time. Learning to set boundaries with others and recognizing the pain of the words (or lack of words–those time when you need a little encouragement and none is given). I have learned through my pain that not only is encouragement something I need–but it is something that everyone needs. Being ever conscience that I can either build someone up–or tear them down. Words are powerful–even when they are not given.
Wow, thanks Kathi for being so transparent regard the tapes in your head. I know that I struggle with certain tapes playing over and over in my head…sadly enough many of the tapes are from my church (strict Baptist) from my chldhood and youth. Part of erasing those tapes has been getting to know the God of grace and mercy and redemption. And of course, the usual tapes from well-meaning (hahaha) family members who, over the years, have been so helpful in shaing their insights in to how I could lose weight…because for them it was sooooo easy to do. So little by little, I’m erasing those tapes and replacing those hurtful words with the kind and gentle words of Jesus…and His unwavering love for me.
I can definitely relate to the weight tapes!
I grew up getting all A’s but never really challenging myself. As a result, I have trouble with trying and failing or recuperating when I do lose.
Moms, do your kids a favor, and create positive tapes for your kids, but don’t shield them from healthy struggles, either.
I found that kids learn through repetition. Like me insisting every single time that my daughter wears a seat belt. Now, at the age of 4, she does it automatically, every time.
After realising the outcome of my efforts of repetition I have felt encouraged to never give up on those basic important and non-negotiable things in her life. I spend a lot of my very little free time trying to implement positive things into her life.
However, while reading your story above, I have realised that that same repitition has to be implemented in my mind. Repeated reminders that I do have a lot of positive things about me, being it looks, intelligence, etc. When I was single I took the time to put positive affirmations up onto my bedroom wall, behind the toilet door, on the bathroom mirror, etc. Simple reminders like: “Lifes an adventure!” has reminded me in every tough situation to stay positive and know that God Hand and a positive attitude will get me through it. Sounds easier than it is. But repitition did it. Reminding my husband every day the same time to make my daughters lunch helped him to remember it by himself every day. (Its out of love, really.)
I’m not saying we should go into denial about perhaps extra flab or such things.
But where theres enough light (positive) the darkness will soon have to simply minimise or even disappear.
I keep telling my daughter shes clever and pretty. She believes it. A lot of people with anorexia has had a person in their life repeatedly telling them they’re fat, usually from childhood.
On a last important note. I have worked in a mental institution for a while. And the first thing I had to learn very quickly is to not take insults from patients personally. I had a great heart for these people and have pursued to understand further in order to help further. So I have learned that most of the times a patient insults me, it is actually how they see themselves. They simply want to make themselves feel/look better than you. And a lot of times out of jealousy. Because they secretly admire you…I had to learn towards the end.
Surely Jesus had to put up with the same during His time on earth, ending it off with: “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” I’m sure Jesus meant it in His pure empathetic sort of way.
This is a great post. I know what you mean.
Thanks for this great post, Kathi! What a wonderful step to take for the New Year to get rid of the old tapes.
I’ve heard a phrase that’s really helpful when someone’s mean words come back to haunt me: “Just because they say it doesn’t mean it’s true.” When I consider the source of the hurtful words, I usually realize that person is not happy. Then I apply another saying I’ve heard: “Hurt people hurt people.” Thinking about the situation with this perspective in mind helps me to detach and move on.
This one is hard to answer. Who wants to admit they have bad tapes running through their heads all the time? I have tons of tapes running around in my head. What I need to do is, when they crop up, as like you say, they will, ask God to help me forget about them. Then ask God to help me remember a good tape and it will help me through.
I read “God Has a Dream for Your life” by Sheila Walsh. There is a quote from the book I would like to share.
p. 28 “I spent years trying to be what I perceived to be the perfect Christian women. It is a miserable and lonely way to live. My great fear was that if I ever owned up to who I am and Who I am not, I would be booted off the yellow brick road. We come to God through Christ, acknowledging that we have nothing of our own to offer. Then we live the rest of our lives trying to look as if we had nothing to be saved from! I have said it before, but will say it again: We are not the good news; Jesus is.”
These words really touched me where I am at. I have been a Christian for 33 years and have struggled with this concept for most of my Christian life. Once I believed these words, that I can not be a “perfect Christian” I could own up to my faults and embrace that God can still use me where I am. I do not need to keep listening to the negative tapes. I can give them to God and let him keep them.
Oh sure, I still have times where I try to take them back and let them control me. But then I call on God to take them back and remember he loves me and can use me no matter what tapes I have in my past.