On today’s show, Kathi chats with author, Sue Heimer to talk about her book, When you Feel like Screaming: Practical Help for Frustrated Moms. Drawing from personal experiences, Sue and Kathi share practical tips for frustrated moms as well as encouragement for why you are the best imperfect mom for your child.
In this encouraging episode you will learn:
- why it’s important to identify the root cause of our frustration
- how to start looking for patterns to avoid blowups
- practical tools to reduce the overall anxiety level in the home
Download Sue’s 7 Questions to Ask Before Adding anything to your Schedule
Enter to Win!
Enter to win a copy of Sue’s book!
Two lucky winners will win a copy of When you Feel like Screaming: Practical Help for Frustrated Moms
Enter by answering in the comments:
“What do you do when you’re caught in that moment when you feel like your about to lose it?” Or tell us a recent moment when you “lost it” with your kids.
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Special thanks to our sponsor (in)courage.me
This episode was sponsored by the (in)courage Devotional Bible featuring devotions from over 100 of our favorite writer friends, including our very own Michele Cushatt, Kathi’s co-host of Communicator Academy Podcast. Find out more here
Meet Our Guest
Sue Heimer
Sue Heimer is an author, counselor, Bible teacher and international speaker. Sue is the president and founder of Leaving Your Legacy Ministries, a ministry to encourage and support women in every stage of life. She is a sought after conference and retreat speaker inspiring thousands of women each year with her messages of hope. As a veteran home school mom she loves speaking at home school conferences and to moms in the trenches.
Sue recently authored When You Feel Like Screaming:Practical Help for Frustrated Moms which is available on Amazon, is the contributor to multiple books including What I Wish I Had Known, and is a regularly featured writer for Focus on the Family. Her greatest passion is to encourage women to love and lean on God in every aspect of their lives.
My secret moment when I lost it is not so secret. At the time I had 4 boys under the age of 9. I was under a lot of pressure to keep a perfect home. Why? because that is how my mother in law kept her home. On this day my house was clean, my four boys patiently waited at the bar as I was fixing them all a healthy chocolate smoothie on a hot day. A picture of perfection in my eyes. When I took the pitcher off of the blender, the smoothie started pouring out of the bottom, all over my clean kitchen, the cabinets, inside drawers, the clean floor. The this is where the drama began! I just lost it and started shaking the blender pitcher. This was 14 yrs ago and I am just now putting words to the whole scene. My boys would bring it up and tell the “funny” story every so often.
In my processing, I have discovered that I was under a tremendous amount of pressure of Perfectionism. In the moment I mentally said “ SCREW IT” I can’t do this anymore. If it’s gonna be a mess it might as well be a Grand Mall Mess! I had a hot temper then. A few yrs after that we moved and I said “God I don’t want to take that temper into this new house. Help me to leave it here, I give it to you to carry. “ God has been faithful and has given me tools to help me. But I’m still learning at age 52.
I sometimes feel like a plastic garbage sack being stuffed fuller and fuller. I swallow my frustration, my anger, my impatience, and then finally a hole stats to open in the sack and out burst my feelings all at once. I know I do better when I try to identify my feelings and what is causing my need to scream like a boiling tea pot. Taking a time out and talking about it helps, even if I am talking to myself in the closet with knocking at the door.
I lose it. I don’t know how to stop. Tonight I put in a movie for the kids to give myself a tiny break. I thought about how I need to do better, etc. After spending an hour telling myself not to yell, I yelled at the kids about getting ready for bed. I had to laugh at myself for yelling right after spending time telling myself to do better.
Most of the time, I do lose it… It’s like I expect them to know what I want them to do and be able to do it. My sister reminded me that just like they’ve only had a few years’ practice being little people, I’ve only had a few years being a mom, and we all can work together and keep learning!
I try very hard to stop and slow down and quiet me voice. Life shouldn’t be all about what other people think but sometimes it does help to pretend other people are listening in on those crazy moments. I am such a work in progress!
Oh, a timely message! I have been stressed and I can tell it’s rubbing off on my 4 yr old. I’ve blown up too many times and I don’t want his (or my) experience to be that way. I need to back off and it usually means just slowing down and helping him and myself find out what he’s feeling anf clarify direction. I pray for patience! And more sleep!
The most typical thing I do is distance myself from the kiddos. I recite “Love is patient” (and also have that written on a post-it taped above my sink) or say a prayer fast enough to calmly (I hope) tell the kids to go to the toy room to play. My tone definitely changes so I know they can tell I need space, but I also know it’s seldom them alone raising my frustration levels, so I need some alone time to process and not take it out on them.
After doing this for a little over a year, I’ve taught them that sometimes deep breaths, prayer, and space are better alternatives to yelling or being dramatic about blame or behavior.
Christmas Eve 2011, I lost it on my kids while we were driving home from my parents’ house. Both were overtired, as was I, my nerves were shot from dealing with my sister-in-law & her super-snide comments about my mom’s meatballs, and was missing my husband, who was working through the night. Both kids were in high gear with complaints, and I just screamed at them both, so loud. They cried and held hands the whole way home. 7 years later…I still remember the feelings. I am tearing up right now thinking about it
I was at Mops last night and felt like I wasn’t getting any help. I started crying and when I was putting my 5 year old in the car. He told me to stop it. It was hurting his ears. I thought he had an attitude and he was making fun of his brother, so I told him to shut up! I have never in my life said this to him! I felt so awful for the rest of the night!
On Friday I was getting ready for company in the evening. I Had just cleaned the bathroom and even washed the floor mats. I have a 3yr old who got potty trained 2 months ago, but still has frequent accidents. Of course an hour after I finished making a spotless bathroom, pee ended up on the freshly washed bath mat instead of in the toilet. It was just more than I could take at the moment and I lost it. Of course the very next moment I realized I’d pay for that, and indeed 3 more accidents followed. I’ve learned my outbursts come from either selfishness or fear, depending on the situation. Obviously I have not overcome either yet.
I kind of “lost” it, but I feel in a good way, in that I needed to say some things. My 8 yr old was calling me “mean” when my help was not good enough for her. Finally after the third time I told her in a strong voice that I was NOT mean. (I was raised in an emotionally abusive home where I was told I was an idiot, stupid and crazy, and that I made mistakes on purpose because I hated my mother.) I gave her an example (complete with yelling) of a mean comment. (making it clear it was an example), and I told her I was one of the nicest mothers ever and that I didn’t deserve her rude behavior. I said this in the strongest, deepest and loudest tone ever. It was not screaming, but it definitely was loud and upset. I told her she was KIND and LOVING and that was NOT the way she was going to talk to me. By the end my voice was shaking. So I lost it. But in a controlled way and in a way she needed to hear.
I have begun the habit of going out to the garage and just sitting in my car til things have calmed down (usually my son having a tantrum). I figure it’s no fun having a tantrum if there’s no one there to see it.
Lose it? What? We Christian moms don’t lose it, right? We are supposed to always be gentle and loving! LOL! While yes, that is the goal, we have to remember that NO ONE is perfect, except for Jesus when He walked the earth. So, that means we will have times of losing it probably – and as a mom of two teenagers, that happens quite a bit right now. When my oldest pushes all my buttons, I find myself trying to respond rationally but then the final straw will hit and I’ll be yelling. Sigh. Not at all what I want to go. One day at a time girls – by God’s grace- we will learn and grow and be the best parents we can be!
I’m not proud of it, but many times when I feel like I’m going to lose it I cry. I hate crying in front of my kids, but I always regret the yelling as well.
I cry too. It’s seems like some sort of emotion has to come out. So it does either in yelling or crying; sometimes both at the same time.
My youngest (16year old) daughter was recently diagnosed as bipolar and I have felt like she has “thrown” this up in my face a lot lately, (Both my hubby & her sister who is 18 are bipolar) because I have let her go 16 years “suffering” without help. But instead telling her she’s just a drama mama or to suck it up, because I was so focused on her sister who was violent in her mania moments. But I really don’t see anything that she has told me that she is going through as anything that I didn’t go through as a 16 year old teenage girl. And so I blew up all over her on the way to her therapist the other day. ?